There are many things I never thought I'd do in this life:
- Lining up with the elderly and long-term unemployed to buy Take 5 and that's life! magazines.
- Buying containers to place inside containers in order to 'declutter'.
- Pushing chunks of vomit through a plug hole.
- Trimming matted hairs from my dog's anus.
- Googling 'brush turkey mounds'.
And apparently...taking a trip to an army disposal store while trying to appear 'normal'.
I'm not sure if it's just me (and it's a distinct possibility that it is just me), but this week I discovered that I cannot walk into an army disposal store without thinking that they're thinking that I'm a serial killer.
This was not aided by my forced 'upbeat' demeanour as I entered the store.
Me: "I have a bit of a weird request".
Army Disposal Owner (ADO): "There's no such thing as a weird request in here".
Me: *scanning the locked cabinets full of weapons and catching a glimpse of a random, seated, bearded Old Mate straight out of Deliverance.*
Me: "I'm looking to buy a machete for my partner's birthday". (Followed by a lengthy over explanation about yard work, and living near the bush, and clearing paths and...Jesus - STOP!)
My brain: *He thinks you look normal on the surface, but that you are actually one of those people who appears normal and then buys a machete and ends up on the news.*
ADO: "I can help you with that. What sort of machete are you looking for?" (Followed by the unlocking of cabinets and a lengthy over explanation about size, price, saw edges (*SAW EDGES!*)
At this point, ADO led me to another locked cabinet and started placing each machete in my hand so I could get a 'feel for them'. Meanwhile Deliverance Old Mate was still sitting on his stool watching.
My brain: *I am holding a machete. I am Jason Voorhees. He thinks I am Jason Voorhees. They probably sell hockey masks. Why are there SWAT team security caps in that cabinet? What else do they sell in here? Why is Deliverance Old Mate watching?*
ADO: "I have my best seller coming in in a couple of days. We've had a bit of a run on machetes lately."
Me: "You've had a run on machetes?"
ADO: "Yeah, it's all the wet weather. Things are overgrown."
My brain: *Of course they are.*
Me: "I'll just take this one - in the case, please...and if it doesn't do the job, I'll come back and get the other one" (*What am I even saying?*)
At this moment, I considered looking around the rest of the shop, but I turned and looked deep into the soul of Deliverance Old Mate and reconsidered. (*What is he even doing here?*)
I managed to get the machete safely to the house and was greeted by Miss C, "Mum, you do know that if there's a machete murder, you'll be a suspect.
I rang my mother.
Mum: "Your finger prints are all over those machetes. I would've wiped them down."
My brain: *Jesus, that's next level.*
George was suitably impressed with his new machete, and no one has been injured thus far.
I have also added another thing to my list of things I never thought I'd do and that is utter the words, "Please remove your machete from the floor."
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