This week Miss C started school. She began the journey all shiny and new, open to endless possibilities with a wide smile and little blue bows in her hair. I knew (or at least hoped) she would be okay. She’s always been a stoic little thing. But being that she was somewhat anxious in the lead-up and with all of the hype surrounding the first day of school, I wasn’t sure if this time she might crack. But she didn’t. And the relief on her face at the end of her first day was a relief to me.
What I didn’t expect was my reaction. I thought perhaps I’d cry. But I didn’t. I felt a surge of emotion when I said goodbye but swallowed it back down. What I have been feeling all week is agitated, irritable and anxious in the hours when she is not at home. I normally work three days a week but have spent this week at home because I wanted her to feel settled and unhurried.
I have sort of stalked around the house like a lioness, feeling edgy and overprotective. This is different to pre-school and daycare. More days, more hours, more influences, more independence. And I’m not averse to independence per se. It’s just that she is shiny and new with her pink Disney Princess lunchbox and her pigtails.
At the moment she is amenable, very Snow White-esque. But one day, in the not too distant future, she’ll be skanking around here like Lindsay or Paris, wanting to wear inappropriate clothing and prefacing every sentence with “like”. One day her little heart is going to be crushed because her best friend hates her or because she loves someone unrequitedly. And I won’t be able to control it and suddenly she will be tarnished.
I understand these experiences must happen eventually (everything except for the use of the word “like” out of context) for her to learn coping mechanisms. I understand that I must continue to relinquish some control for her to grow and realise her potential.
But I wish she could just stay shiny.